THROW AWAY PEOPLE!

A discussion group of four seated on a lawn.

Words! I have a fascination for the words that people use to describe the behaviors or abilities of those who conduct their lives in ways that are problematic, dysfunctional, maladaptive or less than optimal. Over my years of working with individuals in particular women and children affected by substance use disorders, anxiety, depression, violence and trauma, I have recorded several terms used by friends, family members, church folk, employers, mental health workers, neighbors and others to describe these individuals. See if you can find your voice in any of these captured words:

• “they know what they are doing, and they mean to do it”

• “why bother, she doesn’t care away”

• “they don’t care about their children”

• “she was a good person once” 

• “people like them should not be allowed any benefits provided with tax payers money”

• “why do we allow these people to have children”

• “they should be sterilized or something”

• “you can’t change bad people”

• ‘they are using up hard to come by resources and they don’t deserve them”

• “If you let her in here, it’s the beginning of the end”

• “she will rob you blind, step back”

• “god, we aught to put them away”

• “she thinks you owe her something, she wants everything for free”

• The addict, “you don’t understand”… Response, “well, what’s to understand, you are a druggie, get over it”

Usually, these words are delivered in a tone of voice that could be described as scornful, resentful, sarcastic, disdainful, wistful, indignant, aggrieved, cynical, caustic, wounded, acerbic and condescending. What I do know, is that when directed at the “guilt party”, they almost always produce feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness and anger. 

One day as I was working with a client, they shared a comment that they had overheard being made about them, in reference to their parenting. The comment was “….. should be locked away, and sterilized”, “they come from bad seed”. The client reported just wanting the ground to open up and swallow them, the desire to be dead was real. As they were walking out of the office, they remarked, “why waste your time on us throw away people”. I have never forgotten that encounter.

So, let’s talk about why I have ‘wasted’ my time on “throw away people”.

For years, I have been saying that I have never met a child who was born ‘bad’. Neither have I ever met an individual who shared that when they were a child, they dreamed of becoming a person with a cocaine, or heroin or alcohol use disorder. Furthermore, I have never met a child, who dreamed of creating such pain in their life that they would be sick, or homeless, or living from chaos to crisis every day, struggling with anxiety depression and hopelessness. But one day, a friend of mine Joe B. said, it is not what’s wrong with them, but what happened to them that needs our attention and all of our interventions. 

This “what happened to them”, has become my focus in understanding the problems of those that I have had the privilege to support or assist. It informs how I think about and select interventions or strategies to bring about change. Most importantly, this point of view radically changed how I hold safe space for, and engage with, anyone facing struggles that seem daunting, insurmountable and irreparable. 

In taking time to serve those considered as “throw away people”, I have nurtured my commitment to be a voice of a counter narrative. To meet each individual with hope and gratitude to serve. To bring forward one of my personal values, the rights of each human being to respect, and care, through kind, authentic and compassionate service. To reshape language with words such as: commendable, kind, courteous, sincere, respect, non-judgmental, open, fair, engaging, gracious, gentle and hopeful.

In addition, I have developed training tools that offer all who want to engage in helping others. These tools incorporate:

• Empowerment and strengths-based interventions

• Non-judgmental language and attitudes skills training

• Relational focused tools

• Nurturing peer environment – group work

• Availability of gender appropriate staff to serve as role models

• Re-exploration and challenge personal beliefs

• Creation of reasons to care

• Enhanced communication dialog options

• Seek to understand rather than to be understood

• Professional and personal boundary setting and coping skills 

• Group sharing capacities about growth rather than deficits

• Using compassion as a bridge for service delivery